Toxic Positivity and Fauxthenticity

When I say toxic positivity, I’m not talking about only showing one’s positive side on social media, although that too can be toxic. What I’m referring to when I use the term is any system, philosophy, or belief that says that those who don’t achieve something simply didn’t want it badly enough, or try hard enough. It’s any system that claims if you REALLY wanted it, if you’d only invest the right amount of effort, you could achieve or manifest it.

It’s any system that implies people, in a vacuum, have absolute control over how their lives play out, and if they’re suffering any hardship or ill health or disappointment then it’s on them for not thinking positively enough or using the law of attraction to manifest it.

I also want to stop and clarify—finding value for yourself in any of those approaches IS A GOOD THING. Thinking positively has some immensely beneficial components to it.  So does the law of attraction.  The idea that we can change our attitudes and our own internal dialogue, which will in turn, attract more positive things our way is a powerful one. If it works for you, that’s FINE and NOT TOXIC. But neither approach is a single answer that can be applied across the board and allow everybody to achieve the same level of success, which is what toxic positivity claims.

If you aren’t

rich

happy

skinny

healthy

strong

published

in a thriving relationship

successful

it’s because you’re not trying/wanting it hard enough.

What makes it so toxic is that it ignores the vast differences in people’s circumstances. It almost always glosses over the originators immense privilege or undisclosed (or possibly unrecognized) help they had in reaching their goals.

Toxic positivity is about people with large platforms, influence, or social or economic power saying not just “Hey, I was struggling, but I changed my attitude and it turned my life around and wow look at what it’s gotten me!”

They’re saying “Hey, I was struggling, but I changed my attitude and it turned my life around. Look at what it’s gotten me AND IT WILL GET YOU THE EXACT SAME THING TOO IF YOU FOLLOW IT RELIGIOUSLY ENOUGH.

And that’s where I cry Bullshit.

When you hand out your own life experience as a belief system that anybody can follow and achieve the same results with, you’re basically drowning in your own hubris.

Furthermore, toxic positivity ideologies completely discount racial inequities, economic status, class, and family dynamics. It does not take into consideration past traumas, physical or mental health, or any of the thousands of variables that shape each of our lives.

We all started such wildly different places in life, and to pretend that we don’t is either remarkably disingenuous, in which case they should not be offering any advice at all, or completely cynical, which also means they shouldn’t be offering any advice but for completely different reasons. It is not surprisingly, often spouted by those who remain completely oblivious to their own vast amount of privilege. (I say this as a white woman who has had immense privilege in her life.) These philosophies and beliefs don’t even come close to addressing the issues of racial injustice, or institutionalized racism, which makes this kind of advice doubly toxic for women of color.

* * *

Toxic positivity is a kissing cousin to religious doctrines that claims you’re only poor because you deserve it, or you haven’t prayed enough or the right way.

And there are SO MANY people out there right now who claim precisely that. From mommy bloggers to social media influencers to prosperity theology in well established churches.

Those systems put immense pressure on their followers and end up piling additional shame and a sense of failure when we don’t accomplish something because it operates under the premise that we all control every aspect of our lives.

And look, I am ALL for free will and personal agency. But until we live in a world where everyone starts off from the same level of privilege, prosperity, and support, our own efforts are only part of the equation. Grace, luck, timing, and privilege, random serendipity and chaos theory all play a part. It can be comforting to think our own efforts are the ENTIRE equation, but those who think that are usually only a personal disaster or two away from learning otherwise.

Toxic positivity doesn’t mention the husband who made enough money that he could support the family while they stayed home and worked on their craft (raises hand.)

It doesn’t disclose the parents who put them through school so they ended up with no college debt.

It doesn’t talk about the family dynamic that was so supportive that it allowed them to live at home until they were 35.

It doesn’t address the fact that they are white, usually attractive, and came from a family that had, if not vast amounts of privilege and resources, in most cases, some.

It does not address the fact that their sexual identities are often heterosexual and that their religious affiliation is usually mostly aligned with mainstream Christianity.

It doesn’t mention that they check all the boxes our society is constructed to lift up and support.

And it’s poisonous.

Because people look at that and see it as truth. They think If only I tried hard enough, like that person did, I too could have achieved my dreams.

There are very many extraordinarily talented people, in a wide array of fields, who have wanted things with their entire body and soul, who have worked their fingers to the bone trying to make their dreams happen. And they didn’t. And I can promise you it wasn’t for one of trying, or wanting. It’s because luck and timing wasn’t with them. Or systems were stacked against them.

* * *

Which brings me to fauxthenticity—something which often goes hand in hand with toxic positivity. Fauxthenticity is the act of cultivating an image of authenticity without ever really making yourself vulnerable to those you’re talking to.

Fauxthenticity claims to show the broken pieces, often accompanied with a you! too! can! fix! yourself!

Except they’re not showing you their wounds, only the wounds they are 1) able to see, and 2) are willing to share. Sometimes they’re even manufactured scratches.

Their motives are much more complex and a lot less forthright. What they’re often doing is:

Using broken pieces to form a surface connection to further highlight how remarkable their success is.

Forming a surface connection to gain instant sympathy and buy-in from their audience. Essentially using them as a marketing hook.

Showing broken pieces they have only paid lip service to and have decided make a nice dramatic touch to their brand.

Applying band aids rather than having done the deep work necessary to truly fix them.

Extracting sympathy in an attempt to sell you something—an image, a brand, a product.

Using their audience for a therapy session or ego stroke.

Using their wounds as a way to ward off or undercut any criticism that might be sent their way.

Fauxthenticity is performative authenticity. It is akin to giving a character in a book a flaw in order to make them more likeable to the reading audience. They are knowingly or unknowingly tapping into their followers compassion and empathy or playing on their wish fulfillment.

And look, it’s something all of us on social media struggle with—how much of my true self do I share? How much is too much? How much is too curated? How much is what I’m sharing adding pressure to people who already have high expectations of themselves?

If you’re having a hard time tell if somebody’s authenticity has ulterior motive to it, I think the best thing to do is observe how they share the information. If they talk about their anxiety or depression or rough patches they’ve gone through to try and remove the stigma from some of those experiences, to tell you that they were able to move through them and thus give you hope, then it is probably coming from an authentic place.

But if they share their anxiety, depression, trauma, and broken pieces in a way that implies their struggle was more valid, their success more hard earned, they should not be criticized. If their message seems to be, if I, with all that I’ve been through, can achieve this, then there’s no excuse holding you back either, then it is not only fake, but toxic.

It’s a subtle distinction between owning their experiences and applying them universally to everybody else and undercutting the very real struggles that might be impeding others.

Another deceptively simple indicator–after reading what they’ve written, do you feel empowered or as if you need to play catch up?

I try to be very authentic on here. I have been very open about being anti-glamour and messy (you’ve seen my grout!) and the struggles I’ve gone through. But even with all the things I’ve shared with you, I’ve never claimed to share everything with you. Nor have I. But more importantly, I’ve never used what I’ve shared as an example of why you should be able to achieve the exact same thing I did by replicating my steps.

Because the truth is, I don’t know if I could achieve the exact same thing I did by replicating my own steps, not with the next book, or the next stage of my career, let alone if I were starting out fresh.

When lifestyle gurus or success coaches don’t disclose the help and support systems they had along the way, they are actually hurting their audience rather than helping. They are asking more of them than they have given to their own efforts. And that’s just plain wrong, if not immoral, and I’m kind of sick of it.

It just really disturbs me that so many young women are seeing these messages everywhere—that it’s just a matter of not wanting something enough. Toxic positivity adds to the burden of expectations that are already soul crushing to so many.

I just want, if nothing else, for you to question that philosophy and recognize that it’s not some lack in you or your dreams or your efforts or your desires that is keeping you from achieving something. There are often very real physical, mental, structural and economic hurdles, standing between you and what you want that cannot be wished away. That doesn’t mean we can’t try to overcome them. There are so many resources and modalities for doing just that! And the more we apply toxic positivity and pretend they don’t exist, the harder it becomes to dig out from under that and do the hard work required to move past the hurdles that we have some control over.

Because again, life being what it is, we simply don’t have control over everything.

So be discerning in the philosophies and information you take in around this sort of thing. Dreaming big is amazing. Thinking positively is a hugely beneficial tool. Tough love is good. Holding yourself accountable is great. Setting goals and holding your own feet to the fire is admirable.

It is also fine—and often helpful—to share our stories of personal success with each other because we never know what nugget of inspiration will act as an epiphany to others. There is a difference between a pep talk and a scolding.

But please, for the love of all that is holy, do not listen to those who conflate their own path to success as a universal one that anybody can replicate and then blame and shame people when they can’t achieve the same thing.

And most especially don’t use that to bludgeon yourself with guilt and shame and recriminations if the success you’re wishing for doesn’t come as easily to you as other people claim it should.

You deserve better than that.